Dysfunctional Soup

Once there was a little girl who wanted her mother to love her. Something was not quite right with her mother but the little girl didn’t know that. All she knew was that her mother pushed her away and said things like, don’t bother me and I didn’t want to have children in the first place and why do you have to bother me with your problems? Sometimes the little girl’s mother would get so angry with her and her brother she would just get in her car and drive away, leaving the kids alone for hours. The kids would cry and beg her not to go but she went anyway. Then they learned to stop crying and begging because it did no good. Sometimes the little girl’s mother would get so angry she would hurt the two children or refuse to give them lunch or throw their belongings out the window. Sometimes the parents would go away to their club and stay there for hours, socializing with friends and drinking. One time the little girl had a high fever of 105 and cried and asked her mom not to go but was left alone anyway. Sometimes the parents would drink so much they would start fighting and hitting each other. Mostly, though, the little girl just had the sense her mom didn’t want her. When the little girl no longer wanted a hug, her mother started asking why don’t you ever hug me anymore? That was a surprise to the little girl. The little girl had become quite adept at stuffing her feelings and it was almost as if she didn’t really feel much of anything anymore…except anger.

Why had no one helped her?

First of all, times were different. In those days if parents beat or neglected their children (unless it was grossly horrible) it was no one’s business. It was the same way when parents fought, drank and beat each other up–no one’s business. Still, the little girl wished she’d had someone who could rescue her. When I grow up, she said to herself, I will never do this to my children.

First she thought she just wouldn’t have children–or marry, either. Surprise! She did both. And she was amazed at how fiercely protective she felt about her children. She held them and played with them any time they were awake and probably spoiled them, going in the exact opposite direction of her mother. In fact, her mother said, “why do you hold them so much? I would never have that kind of patience.”

No. She never did.

At that point, the little girl–now a mother–realized she needed to go get help to deal with the dysfunctional soup bubbling in her stomach and so she went for counseling and to ACOA and things seemed better…

And then there were grandchildren and a wicked stepdaughter that didn’t give her baby boy everything he needed.

The all grown up little girl felt the dysfunctional soup starting to bubble bubble toil and trouble all over again. And realized she needed more help to deal with those feelings if she was going to be able to deal with the new messes.

The old issues don’t go away, not with prayer and not with counseling. They come back and when they do, you just start over again with more prayer and more counseling.

And so it goes.

~ by lostkitty on January 29, 2008.